Wednesday Wonders: Jon on Scarne

Just a little over one hundred and eighteen years ago, a guy named Orlando Carmelo Scarnecchia was born in Steubenville, Ohio. You won’t recognize that name. Seeing as how he died in 1985, you might not recognize the name he became famous under. But if you’ve ever enjoyed a magician doing card tricks, played pretty much any card or dice game, or counted cards in blackjack (at least, if you did it his way) then you know the name John Scarne.

Now why is a magician, card manipulator, and author of books on gambling showing up on a Wednesday Wonder post? Because there’s a corollary to Clarke’s Third  Law: “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” The corollary is “Any sufficiently advanced magic is the product of technology.”

Magic tricks have always been based on scientific principles. They are a combination of mathematics, physics, and psychology, and sometimes throw in chemistry, geometry, and topography, for good measure. Of course, the best magicians wrap all of that science in the arts, so that the perfect illusion (“Illusion, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money.”) is a full-on performance wrapped up in a story, supported by stagecraft, acting, music, and the whole nine yards.

Of course, note that the word “stagecraft” is kind of meta, because what we in theatre call stagecraft is often what illusionists call magic, so it’s an infinite loop there. A magic trick is stagecraft. Stagecraft is a magic trick. Lather, rinse, repeat.

But what Scarne did goes even beyond all of that, and one look at this card manipulation film of his from the 50s should convince you of that. Yes, I’ve studied magic enough to know that he’s using all kinds of tricks, like false deals and double lifts and so on to do what he’s doing but… at the same time, while the trick seems focused on the Aces, he’s not manipulating four cards at once here. He’s controlling eight — and all of them in a specific order, full speed ahead.

One of his more famous appearances was as Paul Newman’s hands in the movie The Sting. Newman’s character shows some pretty impressive card manipulating skills, all done by Scarne, but if you watch that video clip take special note. At the beginning, we cut to the hands with the cards. Then, at 0:36, the filmmakers pull their magic. The hands move out of frame at the top just long enough for Newman to put his own hands back, then pull off a not so fluid full-flip of the fanned deck, as the camera casually tilts up to make us think that those were his hands all the time. Ironically, I think that the insert shot of the flubbed attempt to bow shuffle was actually Scarne and not Newman.

But knowing that part of the trick brings up an even bigger issue. The only way they could have shot this was with Scarne behind Newman and reaching around, meaning that he had to do all of that manipulation of the cards totally blind.

Let that register, then go watch that clip again as he keeps the Ace of Spades right where he wants it. And nice symbolism on the part of the filmmakers, since that card is traditionally symbolic of death, and death both real and imagined play a big part in the film.

So how does magic trick us?

A lot of the time, it uses psychology and subverts our expectations. An obvious move to do something innocuous, like pull a wand out of our coat pocket, might in fact hide one or more surreptitious moves, like grabbing an object to be produced or ditching an object to be vanished, or both, or something else. One of the best demonstrations of how this works was given by Teller, of Penn & Teller fame, on their show Fool Us.

Anyway… that video will teach you almost everything you need to know about sleight-of-hand.

Another way that magic fools us is to play with our perceptions of space, and as mentioned in the link above, the Zig Zag Illusion is one of the best examples of making the audience think that something is impossible while hiding the secret right in front of them. I happen to own several pocket versions of this trick, one involving a rope and the other a pencil, and the principle is always the same. The Zig Zag Trick involves deceptive optics, psychology, and misdirection.

Of course, one other big trick in magic, especially in card tricks, is math, and I’m going to give away one that I love to do to make friends go “WTF?” Here’s the effect: I deal out 21 cards, then ask then to mentally pick a card, not tell me, but only tell me which one of three piles of seven cards it’s in. I gather up the cards and then deal them out again, and ask which column their card is in.

This is where I pull the stagecraft, playing up the idea that I have psychic abilities while dealing out the cards, Here’s the trick. When you hit the eleventh card, set it aside, face down, then deal out the rest. This sets you up for the ultimate brain scorch as you casually turn up that eleventh card and ask, “Is this the one you chose?”

And of course it is, and your victim squees in amazement. And how does it work? Simple. It’s all math. Each step of the way, you take the pile of seven cards with your spectator’s chosen card and put it in the middle. Since your piles are 3 by 7, the end result is that the first pass will force the chosen card to turn up somewhere between 8 and 14 in the pile. Next time around, it gets jammed to being either 10th, 11th, or 12th, and the last deal nails it. Although, pro tip, after the second deal, the chosen card will be the fourth one in the chosen column, and the 11th one you deal out. So… much opportunity for building up the reveal while reminding your mark and audience that they chose the card freely, and never told you which one it was and, bam! Is this your card?

And, if you followed the instructions, it absolutely will be. Bonus points: Once you understand the math behind it, you can vary it on the fly, so that it’s not always the 11th card — 4th or 18th will work as well. You can even change the total number of cards, provided that you’ve memorized where the target card will finally be forced to.

Scarne totally got all of this, but it really feels like his insights have been forgotten 36 years after his death. ‘Tis pity… Now pick a card.

Friday Free-for-All #68: Worst name, peanut butter, unlimited house, decades past

Here’s the next in an ongoing series in which I answer random questions generated by a website. Here are this week’s questions. Feel free to give your own answers or ask your own questions in the comments.

What would be the absolute worst name you could give your child?

There are some obvious ones to avoid, like Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, and Donald. But you probably also wouldn’t want to name your kid Antrax, Scrotum, Chlamydia, Syphillis, or Hemorrhoid.

Less blatantly bad but awful in their own way are all the names that Puritans used to be so fond of doling out, like Thanks, What-God-Will, Experience, Anger, and Continent. (As opposed to Incontinent?) And no — I did not make any of these up.

If you decide you want your kid to know that you hate them from day one, try names like Adopted, Failed Abortion, Daddy Cheated, Condom Broke, or Republican.

Or just Chad. Fuckin’ Chad, man! (I kid, of course. I know several Chads and they are all perfectly wonderful, lovely people.)

If peanut butter weren’t called peanut butter, what would it be called?

Simple. Mouthgasm in a Jar.

At any given time, I always have the three-pound jumbo jar of creamy peanut butter in the cupboard, where it will stay nice and soft, and I am known to just dig in there with a tablespoon and eat it right from the container — never more than three spoonsful, though, but usually only two.

It’s a great snack, a great source of energy and protein, and don’t you dare tell me that it’s only for little kids. Nuh-uh. Go tell that to George Washington Carver and see what he says. Oh, he didn’t invent peanut butter, but he did popularize the legume in America.

The actual inventor of peanut butter? None other than John Harvey Kellogg of Kellogg’s cereal fame — and well-known total nut job. For a fictionalized version of his life, see the film The Road to Wellville.

By the way, he did not intend peanut butter for kids. Rather, it was supposed to be a good source of protein for people who couldn’t chew solid foods — i.e. the elderly.

If you had unlimited funds to build a house that you would live in for the rest of your life, what would the finished house be like?

Since I always have to get into the technicalities of things — I’ll just assume that “unlimited funds” means just that, so after the house is built, there’s still endless money for all the stuff that goes into it, all of the necessary property taxes, repairs, and upgrades, and the staff — gardener, pool keeper, housekeeper, etc. — necessary to maintain the place while I don’t have to deal with it.

If that were the case, then, I wouldn’t go too flashy, but would definitely make it a destination for artists and other creatives. I’ve always been torn between Mid-Century Modern and Spanish Mediterranean/Southwestern, so I’d have an architect come up with some plausible blending of both styles.

I’d probably want to stay out of areas with too much brush and trees, both to avoid fires and be away from coyotes, rattlesnakes, and the like. An ideal location would probably be less than a mile up one of the local canyons that gets good airflow in the summer and lovely fog in the spring.

I’d need a few acres — not because I’m greedy, but because I’m looking for multiple purposes and some “share the wealth” opportunities. So there’d be a main building that’s not my house, but which would serve to host small creative studios and offices, rehearsal and meeting spaces and the like, all available to friends of mine at no charge on request.

This would be the front-facing part of the property, and would also serve as a neighborhood hub for various activities — I’m seeing it as the place with the best Halloween display and/or walk-through haunted house, Christmas/Hannukah décor, and free live summer concerts.

These are how the artists using the space would “pay rent,” actually.

There would also be a guest house with a number of individual units but, again, it’s not for rent to anyone. Rather, it’s artist housing, but not one of those hideous “eight people to a single 100 square foot room” coliving spaces that have become far too common. No — these would essentially be individual one and two bedroom apartments, but used as exactly what I called it — a guest house.

The guest house would have its own outdoor amenities, including a pool, hot tub, grills, and the like, It would be physically separated from the front studios and the main house, meaning mine, which is at the back of the property.

I don’t need that many bedrooms — one for me, and maybe two or three with their own bathrooms for out-of-town visitors. But what I would have would be office space, studio space, a library, a huge kitchen, walk-in freezer and separate pantry, a laundry room, a home theatre (media and live), and a secluded backyard with all the same amenities as the guest house.

All of the appliances would be the most energy efficient possible, and the entire place would have solar power out the wazoo with the goal being to actually give back to the grid. Likewise, all of the water would be solar heated, and all of the gray-water would go back into the grounds, although the only place I’d see a lawn being necessary would be for a dog-run.

Because of course there would be dogs. A house is not a home without them.

What do you miss about life 10 or 20 years ago?

So we’re talking either summer of 2011 or 2001. For 2011, what I miss most is having Barack Obama as President. It really seemed like America had finally gotten its shit together and was moving forward, but we all saw how that turned out as the GOP did everything they possibly could to block anything he tried to get through Congress.

We’re seeing that same shit now, and we have to fight like hell to stop it.

What I also miss about 2011 is still having both of my dogs, although I really can’t say that I quite miss my job at the time, because this was just before I moved from Manager of Operations to Senior Editor and Chief Content Creator — or, in other words, a truly lateral shift from a job that I was good at to a job that I actually wanted. That didn’t happen until 2012.

Jumping back to 2001… I really miss it being pre-9/11, back when we hadn’t become a paranoid nation of people afraid of the wrong things and a government declaring war on the wrong country. Seriously, if we did go after the right people, a certain Middle Eastern kingdom would look a lot different now and wouldn’t be slicing up journalists for fun.

Meanwhile, we wouldn’t have bombed the hell out of Iraq because they had the oil, and we wouldn’t be withdrawing from Afghanistan now and leaving chaos because we could have focused and taken care of it back then.

It was also before the Patriot Act and rampant stupidity; before innocent Sikhs were attacked by racists because they, Sikhs also wore turbans and had beards — but this is about as big a screw-up as mistaking an Orthodox Jew for an Amish father.

“But he had a black hat on!” Nu?

I was unemployed in the summer of 2001, but that was okay because it came in the wake of my short but lucrative career in TV, so thanks to writing scripts, I had a ton of money in the bank. It was also just shy of two months after I’d adopted my dog Shadow, eleven days after my previous dog, Dazé, passed away.

So I had nothing to do all day but hang out with her and write stuff. That really sounds a lot like my 2020, except that Sheeba only made it to May 1st, and Shadow had said her good-byes back in September 2014.

Around about late August of 2001, I decided, “Okay, let’s go find a new job.” And then 9/11 happened, everybody shat themselves, and the job hunt got put on hold until the next spring. Why? Everyone was too scared to even interview people — even big-ass white people like me.

Although given what we’ve learned since 2016, I think that it’s really the big-ass white people we do need to fear the most. Which was the case in 2001 and 2011. We just missed it then.

Oh… and here, “big-ass” means “stupidly tall,” and not “having a big ass,” okay?

Friday Free-for-All #64: Shoes, car, Sci-Fi

Here’s the next in an ongoing series in which I answer random questions generated by a website. Here are this week’s questions. Feel free to give your own answers or ask your own questions in the comments.

What is the best pair of shoes you have ever owned? Why were they so good?

Oh, this is a fun one. When I was a freshman in college, I bought a pair of black leather boots. I think I did it through the Sears Catalog actually, and mail-ordered them to be delivered in-store. (This was just pre-internet.) Now, at the time, I paid the equivalent of what’s about $315 now, which was insane. I mean, even though I could currently easily afford to drop that much on a pair of shoes, I never would.

But there was just something about these. They made me taller, I could wear them inside or outside of my jeans, and they came two thirds of the way up to my knee.

And they sort of became one of my defining traits on campus. Apparently, to people who didn’t know me personally but who’d seen me around, I was “the guy with the boots.” I also once loaned them to a good friend when he’d been cast in the play Picnic, because one of the defining traits of his character was… ta-da, the black boots he wore.

Funny story there, too. There was an opening night party after the first performance, and he would give me my boots back after each show, which I’d return to to him before the next — easy to do when you all live on campus. So at this after party, I’m wearing the boots and he and I are standing together. One of the big-wig campus Jesuits comes over to say hello to us, and proceeds to compliment me on my performance in the play.

It’s all that my friend José and I can do to not just crack up, so we play it straight as if I was the guy in the play. Okay, sure, we were kind of the same height and similar coloration but, otherwise, did not resemble each other at all.

But the crowning moment for those boots came during senior year (yeah you pay that much for footwear, it doesn’t fall apart) when we had an orientation week magic show, and the middle act was a guy introduced with these words: “Once I say his name, you’re never going to forget it.”

And goddamn, was that true. Turk Pipkin. And he was amazing. He started out with using a jigger, an Alka-Seltzer and a condom to basically create an entirely new visual to the opening theme of 2001, then borrowed a woman’s purse and proceeded to find a tampon in a cardboard applicator and smoke it like a cigar. (Yes, she confirmed later that he’d asked her permission and planted the prop.)

Finally, he said that he could juggle anything, so toss those objects down — and all of my friends immediately started chanting, “Boot, boot, boot.” So what else could I do?

I think he wound up with a scarf, a set of car keys, and my big-ass heavy leather boot. He gave us all the look of death, but the audience went nuts — and then he proceeded to juggle all three, and I could tell by that point that he was actually grateful for the ultimate show-off challenge. It made him look even more amazing.

I know that I still had those boots for almost a decade after college, and they really came in handy once my dad gave me his old motorcycle. But, somewhere along the way, my feet outgrew them.

Meanwhile, Turk Pipkin is still around, and he’s turned his magically skills toward even better things.

What do you hate most and love most about your car?

Oh, there’s so much to love. First is that it’s the seventh one I’ve ever owned (hence its name, Señor Siete), and the first one that I bought slightly used from a dealer. While it’s a 2012 model, so doesn’t have all the modern bells and whistles, it has enough, plus it’s powerful, comfortable, and has a manual transmission.

Plus it’s also been paid off for a couple of years now, so there’s that. And bonus points for that manual transmission: That prevents 99.5% of friends from ever borrowing it because they couldn’t drive it.

What I hate most? It’s a 2012 model, which means that it’s getting older, even though the mileage is low — just over 60,000 right now. Still… it’s approaching that point where regular maintenance on major system stuff might just start to exceed the cost of buying or leasing a replacement, and I hate that. For example, I know that I’ve got about a $300 brake-job and possibly $800 shock replacement to do soon, not to mention that the tire pressure gauge batteries have started to fail ($90 a pop per sensor per tire) and then there’s also that regular X-thousand mile service stuff.

So, yeah. My tax refunds and remaining stimulus checks are getting dumped back in there. Sigh. If only they also had car insurance for maintenance. You know — like health care for cars. But they can’t even manage that one for people, even though the car version would be much cheaper.

What Sci-Fi movie or book would you like the future to be like?

This is a tough one. I mean, Star Trek: TNG would be an obvious first choice if it weren’t for that whole Borg thing. And TOS maybe, except that humanity is still at war with Klingons.

So two other universes come to mind, with caveats. One is the world of Isaac Asimov’s Foundation trilogy, but note that I only cite the original trilogy. Why? Because the books beyond that sort of melded into the universe of I, Robot, brought in the whole idea of “The entire universe wants to kill us,” so the robots meddled with the multiverse in order to create the one in which humankind were the only advanced life forms to ever evolve.

Yeah, no. At least this shit doesn’t come up in the first three books, and the idea of really advanced predictive formulas to guide humanity in the right direction is very appealing. And, hell, even the Big Bad of the second and third books isn’t evil at all. He’s just got a particularly well-adapted genetic… thing.

Now, the other Sci-Fi book I’d go with is the final volume of Arthur C. Clarke’s 2001 series, which comprises 2001, 2010, 2061, and 3001. I’d go with the last volume, in which humankind has made all kinds of amazing scientific advances, including building space elevators, colonizing other moons within our solar system, being able to revive an astronaut dead for a thousand years, creating the ultimate human/computer interface and, finally, figuring out how to keep an ancient and powerful race of non-corporeal entities from destroying the planet. Well, at least for another 900 years.

In case you’re wondering… yes. The third book has a prologue that ends in 2101, which is just as the original moon monolith phones home, which is 450 light years away. 3001 is the year that the answer comes back.

Theatre Thursday: On the shoulders of giants

A while back, I wrote about two writers who had a big influence on me, one directly in real life, and the other stylistically. But I’ve also been influenced by four film directors, one of whom directly inspired me to stupidly pursue a career in this business. Unlike one of the writers above, I never met any of them, and they all also happen to be dead now.

In a nutshell, and in order of influence, those directors are Stanley Kubrick, Alfred Hitchcock, Ken Russell, and Nicolas Roeg. Sure, four old, white British men (Kubrick being an American ex-pat), but I didn’t know better as a kid, okay? All I knew was that my dad took me to see Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey during one of those many times when the Cinerama Dome opened a would-be blockbuster that bombed, so they had to fill time with something else — and this movie blew Star Wars right out of the water. It was Science Fiction that felt real. There was no sound in space, the movie took its time, the soundtrack was mostly classical music in a future context, and I walked out of that first viewing thinking, “Yeah. I want to do this.”

Present me would love to time travel back to then, grab that kid by the shoulders and shout in his face, “No, dumbass. You want to figure out how to make enough money to pay other people to do this for you so you’ll be richer than Croesus.”

Young me wouldn’t have listened.

Anyway, a few years later, I discovered the several “Art House” cinemas in Los Angeles like the Nuart Theater, mainly because I noticed that they showed other Kubrick films. They also didn’t seem to really pay a lot of attention to ratings, so I could get my young ass into R-rated films. Note: There are absolutely no penalties, legal or otherwise, for a theater not following the MPAA ratings when they sell tickets. None. Nada, and one theater openly defied an NC-17 rating. It’s all smoke and mirrors, folks. So anybody can go to an R-rated movie. It’s just the idea that ratings are some legal bar that makes them effective. But I do digress…

So I worked my way through the Kubrick oeuvre, then stumbled into Hitchcock, and while he created in a G-rated world, his films were just as amazing for different reasons. Kubrick’s works are all about Big Ideas passed through the filter of human experience. 2001 deals with the evolution of the human species, past and future; Clockwork Orange handles crime and punishment; Dr. Strangelove takes on war and peace; Barry Lyndon is all about the class system, and so on.

Hitchcock, though, was all about plot, especially when layered with suspense. Kubrick would make you think. Hitchcock would make you sit on the edge of your seat and clench your butt. Hitch was also far more prolific than Kubrick, which is why I think that there isn’t a single Kubrick film I don’t love, but I’m not a fan of every Hitchcock film.

The ones that really bowl me over, though, are North by Northwest, Rear Window, Vertigo, The Man Who Knew Too Much, and Rope. Oops… Psycho isn’t on that list? Well, for me it’s not, because it really doesn’t stack up against the others. Don’t get me wrong. It’s a great film, but in the context of the rest of his works, it’s actually on the lower end of the scale.

The other thing that struck me about both of these directors, though, is that they were technical innovators. Both of them constantly came up with new ways to do things on film. Hitchcock actually has a particular shooting technique named after him, and Kubrick managed to out-Star Wars Star Wars a decade before Star Wars without a single computer in sight.

After Hitchcock, though, those art house movies led me to another director who worked on a completely different plane, but to whom I clung immediately: Ken Russell. And if Kubrick specialized in ideas while Hitchcock mastered in plot, I’d have to say that Russell’s playing field dealt with emotions in general, or fantasies specifically. His biopics were amazing exercises in giving us emotional truths through metaphors.

Three in particular, each of which dealt with famous composers, run the scale (pun intended) from lightest to heaviest in fantasy: The Music Lovers, about Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, with some fantasy sequences, but not a lot; Mahler, about the composer Gustav Mahler, about half and half; and Lizstomania, almost entirely fantasy and, while it seems to be the most off-the-rails of them all in covering the life of Franz Lizst, it is actually the most accurate in its metaphorical way, because Lizst really was the first rock star, even if it happened 120 years before the Beatles.

Russell used fantasies and dreams to explore the emotional life of his characters, and it is beautiful. He’s another director with an oeuvre limited enough that I think I’ve seen almost all of his films, and while I have ups and downs, I don’t think there are many I don’t like. For calibration purposes, I’d rank Lair of the White Worm as worst, and the aforementioned Mahler as best.

After Russell, the art houses introduced me to another influence, a director named Nicolas Roeg. And the thing he specialized in was playing with time. Not a single one of his films took place in chronological order, and this was what taught me the power of editing. He’s probably best well-known for a film that most people haven’t seen but only know about because David Bowie starred in it: The Man Who Fell to Earth. And here’s the thing. This is one damn difficult movie to sit through, and it wasn’t my first Roeg film, so I came to it knowing his style.

Here’s the order I learned Roeg, as far as I can remember. Don’t Look Now, which is an amazing and stylish suspense horror film that isn’t gory, starring Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie; Walkabout, which deals with issues of privilege at a time when that wasn’t even a concept, as White Girl and White Boy (literally their names in the credits) are dumped in the Australian outback by their suicidal father, only to be saved by an aboriginal Black Boy who is on his Walkabout, which is a right of passage for his belief system. Needless to say, guess who it doesn’t end well for.

And before I got to The Man Who Fell to Earth, I also saw Roeg’s first big “Hey, look at me” movie, Performance, which actually gave us an incredible, well, um, performance from a young, often nude, and sexy Mick Jagger.

But the most important takeaway for me from Roeg’s films was this. Do not tell your story in chronological order. Tell it in emotional order. If the thing that happens in normal Act 3 seems meaningless then, but can serve as set-up for later, then move it up. And if the thing from Act 1 that seems meaningless up front takes on power later, move it down.

Put them all together, and this is where my playwriting goes: Stories about big ideas that are still very plotted, but which also use fantasy and surrealism to explore emotional truths, and tend to not take place in chronological order. In fact, only one of my produced full-length plays takes place in literal time, and that happens to be the first one produced.

And so there you go. I constantly play with ideas, plots, emotions, and chronology. The big idea comes first, and I build the story from that via plots that are driven by emotions. Once that’s in place, I chop the story up and order it based not on when, but on how the emotions drive the timeline and the plot. And this is how four very different directors created my artistic vision.

(Not noted above, Terry Gilliam, who I didn’t realize really was an influence at first, but taught me the idea of not taking anything too seriously, least of all yourself, and also confirmed that I was playing the game of cut and paste creativity properly.)

So who are your major influences? What have you taken from them, and how do you use that? Tell us in the comments!

Friday-free-for-all #53: Overreaction, sport, tech, sequel

The next in an ongoing series in which I answer random questions generated by a website. Here are this week’s questions. Feel free to give your own answers in the comments.

  1. What’s the biggest overreaction you’ve ever seen?

January 6, 2021, when a childish bunch of uninformed, conspiracy-believing Qidiots tried to storm the Capitol, take over Congress, stop the certification of the electoral vote count, and maybe kill a few Reps and Senators while they were at it.

They’re still whining about it even now, after their self-proclaimed “deadlines” of January 20, March 4, and March 20 all passed, and there was not a sudden storm of arrests of prominent Democrats, with the former guy being put back in office.

They’ve gotten a lot less shrill online — at least publicly — although there are still the trollbots who show up on every Tweet by President Biden, all with the same cut-and-paste, no doubt bot-created comment: “Win a real election.”

It’s gratifying to see those comments get shoouted down immediately and loudly by dozens of supporters of our duly elected 46th president.

Now, of course, I didn’t see the events of January 6 in person, but I did watch them in real time, and it was an appalling display of a bunch of people being the exact opposite of patriotic.

  1. What sport would be the funniest to add a mandatory amount of alcohol to?

Well, I don’t think it’s a funny idea at all, although my snappy glib answer would be “NASCAR.” Oh, wait. That’s not a sport. It’s just a bunch of drivers repeatedly turning left while wasting fossil fuels.

Golf and bowling pretty much already seem to have mandatory amounts of alcohol. Fun factoid: Rumor has it that a golf course has 18 holes because that’s how many shots are in a fifth of liquor.

Of course, it isn’t true at all, which is why I called it a factoid, per its first definition.

Probably the funniest and least dangerous would be curling. Think about it. A bunch of drunk people, on ice, pushing around a stone by sweeping the ice in front of it — except that they can all barely stand up. It would certainly make it more popular.

  1. What piece of technology would look like magic or a miracle to people in medieval Europe?

Which one wouldn’t? It’s a perfect example of Clarke’s Third Law: “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”

We can probably leave out simple mechanical devices, like steam engines, because they don’t go too far beyond what people of the time might have been familiar with. All right, they didn’t actually have those yet, but in the 12th century, there was an organ powered by heated water, so the concept existed.

Certainly, educated clergy would have some familiarity with ancient science and technology, a lot of which was mechanically advanced and lost to the Middle Ages in general.

Of course, one big trick is this: If you take this device back in time, it has to work there, meaning that you couldn’t do a whole lot on a cellphone, although you could convince people that it’s a magic window that shows living pictures if you put enough video on it.

At the same time, with a concealed walkie-talkie and a partner, you could play all kinds of “Talking to spirits games,” although those would probably be dangerous, and more likely to get you executed as a heretic.

The real miracle, though, would be modern medicine. Now, you’d be hard-pressed to use any of our current diagnostic techniques because they mostly require large amounts of electricity — I’m thinking X-rays, MRIs, CAT and PET scans, and so on.

But for years doctors have relied on differential diagnoses using manuals in which they basically walk through a checklist of symptoms to find likely causes. They could use that low-tech method to figure out what medications to prescribe to their patients.

Surgery might be trickier, if only because true anesthesia would be difficult without proper monitors and the like. Still, bring back a few generators that run on solar power, set up your surgery in a secure tent that uses “air-lock” style entrances and positive ventilation to keep the outside out, and there you’ve got your clinic all set to go.

Start handing out the penicillin and vaccines, and you and your team will be hailed as miracle-workers in no time at all.

  1. Which movie sequel do you wish you could erase from history?

Simple. The one that did the most to piss on the legend that is my favorite film of all time, Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey. It was followed up by the film 2010: The Year We Make Contact, based on the official sequel by Arthur C. Clarke, and it could have been good, except that it was directed by a total hack.

I won’t mention his name. You can look it up. But he’s made a number of films that could have been great, but usually just missed the target. In 2010, he did nearly everything wrong.

Start with the subtitle. “The year we make contact?” Nope. Per the first film, we kind of did that in about 1999 in the first film when we dug up the monolith and, if not then, definitely by the time that Dave Bowman took his journey through the star gate.

Hell, I could argue that “we” made contact the second that Moonwatcher touched the Monolith in the opening act, in prehistoric times.

But this director’s biggest mistake in 2010, though, was tossing out everything Kubrick had established in 2001. That is, following the laws of physics and science.

Nope. Welcome to a movie with apparent artificial gravity on spaceships and sound in space. Sure, fine for most other space movies out there, but if you’re going to make this particular sequel, the scientific accuracy is something you cannot leave out.

There’s also a moment when the Russian ship sent to Jupiter with a joint Soviet-American crew (the film was made before the fall of the USSR) uses what basically appears to be a bunch of inflated parachutes to drag through Jupiter’s upper atmosphere to slow them down into orbit.

Okay, fine. That’s somewhat plausible. What isn’t is having them burst into open flames when there is no oxygen in Jupiter’s upper atmosphere or space. Those things are just going to get hot, not burn.

It would have been a much more dramatic visual to have them heat up, from red-hot all the way to white-hot. Oh yeah — this was also one of the noisier “sound in space” moments. It would have been so much more dramatic to cut between the brakes heating up and heating up, the crew inside hanging on for dear life, and then jumping back and forth from the sounds of human chaos inside to… absolute silence.

The film does try to pay attention to the science in the finale. Long story short, both ships, the Russian Leonov and the American Discovery, are going to wait a week for a launch window to open up so they can get back to Earth. However, circumstances dictate that they have to leave before two days pass.

Their solution is to use the Discovery as a booster stage for the Leonov to get it up to velocity so it can take a different route, and they do this. All of the above is scientifically accurate. You can’t just arbitrarily decide to start your trip from planet A to planet B right this second, at least not with our existing technology.

But there’s one other thing going on. Jupiter is about to be transformed into a dwarf star, which means there’s going to be an enormous explosion in the outer solar system, which will send out a rapid shock wave of high energy radiation that is going to catch up to the Leonov, which may not be sufficiently shielded to handle it.

The Discovery, by the way, somehow implausibly stopped after it was done boosting the Leonov (again, scientifically wrong), and is destroyed in the explosion that turns Jupiter into our Sun’s binary partner.

Hint: In space, if you use rocket A to give rocket B a boost, and then rocket B fires its own engines to pull away, rocket A is only going to be slowed by whatever negative thrust it picks up from departing B, which might not be that much. Otherwise, it’s going to continue onward forever at whatever velocity it had.

It could separate by firing its own forward-facing thrusters, which would slow it a bit, but that might damage the other ship, which is the one you want to keep intact.

Newton’s Laws, baby. So chances are that if Discovery didn’t make it out of the melty zone, Leonov didn’t, either.

But the director puts the final nail into his disregard for Kubrick in the last shot, when we go back to a now warm and wet Europa, which is in about its equivalent to Earth’s Carboniferous Period — think steamy swaps with giant ferns and huge insects.

SPOILER ALERT: Cue Also Sprach Zarathustra, which means we’re getting a big reveal. And we do. There’s a monolith on Europa, waiting. But how does the director get to it? Not through a dramatic and involving tilt up. Nope. He instead pans right, in a shot that sucks all of the impact out of the reveal.

Quite typical of this hatchet job, really. So yeah, it’s a sequel that should just disappear. Preferably, Clarke’s three sequels should instead be made into a streaming series, and done by producers and directors who actually respect Kubrick and can do onscreen science right.

Friday Free for all #47: Better cook, media influence

The next in an ongoing series in which I answer random questions generated by a website, although it’s been on hiatus since the Christmas Countdown began. Here, I resume with this week’s questions. Feel free to give your own answers in the comments.

Who is a better cook your mother or grandmother?

It depends on which grandmother! As I’ve written about here before, my mother was an amazing cook, while her mother had to basically make due on a very limited budget with a lot of kids.

On the other hand, my dad’s mom was an amazing cook, even if she didn’t dabble in the exotic ethnic cuisines that my mother did. Of course, my dad was a lot older than my mom, and his mother grew up with a pioneer and Great Depression background.

For as long as I can remember, she and her second husband (my step-grandfather, but the only grandfather I ever knew) grew pretty much everything they ate, and she was into making preserves, apple butter, and canning everything. She was also always in charge at all the Thanksgiving dinners that would be held annually at her place.

My mom and my only west coast aunt (my dad’s sister-in-law) assisted, but Grandma Neva was large and in charge despite her tiny stature.

When it comes down to it, though, I’d have to say that it’s really a draw between Grandma Neva and my mom. They were both excellent cooks, but Grandma excelled in a few things, while Mom was an expert in many.

Both of my grandmothers, by the way, absolutely put the lie to the “horrid mother-in-law” trope.

What piece of media (book, movie, TV show, etc.) changed the way you viewed the world? In what way?

There are a few, but I’ll start with the one that set me off on the whole stupid idea that I could be a filmmaker, and that’s Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey.

The initial release was way before my time but, thanks to the vagaries of Hollywood, it was one of those films that would get slapped up in a rush at the Cinerama Dome or other super big-screen cinema whenever some would-be widescreen Hollywood blockbuster tanked and they needed to fill out the engagement.

It was to one of these screenings, when I was nine years old, that my dad took me on a movie date, and the film blew me away for so many reasons. First, it was just stunning to look at. Second, his use of music in it was amazing. Finally, the story made total sense to me (I had to explain it to my dad later), and it cemented my love of hard Science Fiction.

It also made me aware of the idea that “film director” was a thing, and so from that point forward, I read all the Science Fiction I could get my hands on, started writing my own, learned about film directors, and decided that I wanted to be one myself.

In retrospect, a totally stupid decision, because I really didn’t have the patience or the people skills (at the time) to get that far into the minutiae, so instead I focused on screenwriting, and that led to an entirely different but rewarding career path. And it all happened because a nine-year-old kid was enthralled by the sights and sounds on a gigantic movie screen in the dark.

Two other influential works of the literary variety, in chronological order: First would be Gore Vidal’s The City and the Pillar, which I somehow wound up reading in middle school. I don’t remember the exact reasons why, except that I was already a Kurt Vonnegut fan, and a friend of mine had said something like, “Oh, if you like Vonnegut, check out Vidal.”

So I did, because there used to be an annual and ridiculously cheap used book sale at the local mall that was worth riding my bike three miles for every day of it, and the thing that The City and the Pillar taught me was that “gay people exist.”

Now, although it was written at a point in time when publishers absolutely demanded that gay protagonists met sad ends, Vidal still made the ending ambiguous enough so that I didn’t get it at the time. (Hint: on a later reading, and probably a revised edition, the gay hero basically rapes and kills the straight best friend he’s been obsessed with, and is probably later arrested for it. Oops.)

But this did lead me to read more Vidal. His histories are fantastic and worth looking into, and his Myra Breckenridge is a masterwork.

Finally, there’s Robert Anton Wilson and Robert Shea’s Illuminatus! Trilogy, and while this one really turned my head around when I was (appropriately) 23, in later years, my opinions have somewhat changed.

The origin of the book — actually, three books that were eventually published in one omnibus volume — was this. Wilson and Shea were both writers for Playboy magazine in the late 60s and early 70s, and they saw some crazy shit in the reader mail.

Remember, despite being a titty mag, Playboy was also very respected for its editorial content, particularly interviews with celebrities and politicians, and investigative articles. Hell, that’s why my gay ass was a subscriber in college.

Their editorial content was top-level stuff. Not to mention that they snuck in plenty of man-cake via frequent “Sex in the Cinema” articles.

Anyway, the two Bobs plowed through their share of insane conspiracy theories, so they finally decided to write a novel based on the idea that every batshit theory of the time was 100% true.

Imagine doing that now. Toss in everything QANON, the flat-earthers, 9-11 Truthers, chemtrail and UFO believers, anti-5G and anti-vaxxers, and so on. That’s basically what they did, pulling from the extreme left and extreme right at the same time.

They also modeled the whole story structure on James Joyce’s Ulysses, and stuffed it with parodies and references to things like Atlas Shrugged, the Beatles, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, and so on.

Now, when I first read it, the main point I took away was that reality is different for everyone. I perceive a universe unique to me, and you do the same for you. And that really stuck, and still does because it’s true. Wilson referred to it in his later works as everyone having their own unique “reality tunnel.”

This meshes well with the current concept of everyone having their own bubble when it comes to beliefs.

I proceeded to read everything Wilson ever wrote, and also attended several seminars that he held in L.A., and for years he was basically my guiding light and guru.

But then I got older, grew up, and drifted away, and I revisited the Illuminatus! Trilogy several times over the years, the last one fairly recently, and it was a quite different experience for two reasons.

One is that while Wilson’s brand of non-Randian Libertarianism was attractive when I was in my 20s, it makes less than no sense now. Also, I don’t buy into his total cynicism regarding our elected officials and political parties. He landed on the side of “no politician can ever do anything good.” I’ve wound up in the place of “pull you panties out of your ass and give them a chance.”

Finally, my latest read of the book gave me a big “Whoa, dude,” when I realized that there was quite a seam of rampant homo- and transphobia running through it and its sequel trilogy.

Imagine that. Coming from someone claiming to be open-minded and accepting of the idea that everyone perceives reality differently. Wow.

Although he did lead me down the path of trying hallucinogens, which only led to good things. Probably the fastest way to heal the country and set everyone on the proper path of “We are all in this together, and whatever divisions we think we have are illusions,” would be for everyone to drop acid in a controlled setting and with trained guides.

It and other hallucinogens are different than most other drugs. Opiates, downers, nicotine, and alcohol just numb you to everything. Cocaine, amphetamines, caffeine, and sugar just hype you up without focus.

But LSD, psilocybin, MDMA, and ecstasy do the opposite of both. See, what they do is remove the filters on our perceptions that exist to keep us from overloading. We only experience a small fraction of everything our senses actually take in. Our brain filters a lot of it out.

Hallucinogens let it all in but at the same time they also allow us to focus on all of it at once as well. So it’s literally the opposite of both other opposites, which is some heavy Hegelian shit right there. It really is the synthesis that goes beyond the thesis and antithesis of downers and uppers.

Thanks to reading about it in Wilson’s works, I eventually gained the courage to try LSD, and it was truly life-changing. I did it a number of times, and every experience was amazing. The other great part about it is that it is non-addicting. It was a secular spiritual experience in a lot of ways, and so something to be treated as a special ritual.

Of course, most of the acid in the U.S., if not the world, went away with a gigantic drug bust back in 2000. Which is silly, really, especially considering that this drug was quite legal from its synthesis in 1938, although Albert Hoffmann didn’t realize it was an hallucinogen until 1943.

It was used in mental health settings, the CIA considered weaponizing it, and everything was good until it was outlawed in the U.S. in 1968 — not coincidentally because it was popular with the “counterculture” (i.e. people who didn’t like Republicans) at the time, and the so-called “War on (Some) Drugs” was initiated specifically with them as targets.

Yes, that’s something I learned from Wilson as well. Hopefully, that tide is finally turning.

Wednesday Wonders: A busy day in space

Happy New Year! And happy first day of spring!

Wait, what… you say those things aren’t today, March 25th? That the latter was six days ago and the former was almost four months ago?

Well… you’d be right in 2020, but jump back in history to when the Julian calendar was still around, and things were dated differently. This led to the adoption of the new Gregorian calendar, but since it was sponsored by the Pope, not everyone switched over right away. Long story short, Catholic countries like Spain, Portugal, and Italy adopted it immediately in 1582. Protestant countries held out, so that places like England (and the colonies) didn’t switch until 1752.

That was also when England moved New Year’s day back to January 1, which is itself ironic, since it was the Catholic Church that moved the day from then to March 25 at the Council of Tours in 567, considering the prior date pagan, which was probably accurate, since the Romans had moved New Year’s from March to January 1st when they deified Julius Caesar after his assassination.

The practical reason for switching calendars was that the Julian calendar lost 11 hours a year, which added up fast, meaning that entire extra months had to be added between years to set things right again. The Gregorian calendar is much more accurate, although about 2,800 years from now it will have lost a day.

By the way, the religious reasoning for picking March 25th is that it was the Feast of the Annunciation, meaning the day that the Archangel Gabriel appeared to Mary to let her know that she was going to get knocked up by god — although it doesn’t get mentioned canonically until a century after the ol’ calendar switch-a-roo.

Anyway, the math isn’t hard to do. March 25th is exactly nine months before Christmas. And in strictly astronomical terms, the former is the first day of spring and the latter is the first day of winter. Just psychologically, the Vernal Equinox, which is now closer to the 19th or 20th, is the better New Year’s Day option because it’s when days start to get longer than nights, vegetation starts to grow anew, and nature awakes from its slumber.

Note: Your mileage in 2020 may vary.

It’s kind of ironic, then, that today marks the birth of a German astronomer and mathematician, Christopher Clavius, who was instrumental in doing the calculations necessary to figure out how much in error the Julian calendar had become, and then to come up with a calendar to fix it and a method to transition.

This is where the Catholic Church came into it, because Easter, being a moveable feast based on the Julian lunar calendar, had been slipping later and later into the year, threatening to move from the spring to summer. Clavius’s job was to bring it back toward the vernal equinox.

He succeeded to the degree of accuracy noted above — only a day off in 3,236 years. Not bad. This was also when New Year’s Day went back to January 1st, per the old Roman style, and while this is attributed to Pope Gregory XIII, I can’t help but think that Clavius had a hand in implementing the change.

I mean, come on. You’re handed a chance by the most powerful person in the western world at the time to move a major holiday off of your birthday so that your day is finally special on its own? Who wouldn’t do that given the power?

Good ol’ Chris did make other discoveries and get some nice presents, like a crater on the moon named after him, as well as the moon base in the movie 2001.

Still, even if the equinox did move away from March 25, the date still keeps bringing special things for astronomers. It was on this day in 1655 that the Dutch physicist and astronomer Christiaan Huygens discovered Saturn’s largest moon, Titan,

Huygens also has another time connection, though. Where Clavius gave us a calendar accurate to over 3,000 years, Huygens gave us a clock that was the most accurate for the next 300 years. His innovation? Put a pendulum on that thing and let it swing. He literally put the “tick tock” in clock.

Why was this possible? Because the swing of a pendulum followed the rules of physics and was absolutely periodic. Even as friction and drag slowed it down, it would cover a shorter distance but at a slower pace, so that the time between tick and tock would remain the same.

The pendulum itself would advance a gear via a ratchet that would turn the hands of the clock, and adding kinetic energy back into that pendulum was achieved through a spring, which is where that whole “winding the clock” thing came in. Tighten the spring and, as it unwinds, it drives that gear every time the pendulum briefly releases it, but thanks to physics, that pendulum will always take the exact same time to swing from A to B, whether it’s going really fast or really slow.

Back to Huygens’s discovery, though… Titan is quite a marvel itself. It is the second largest natural satellite in our solar system, taking a back seat (ironic if you know your mythology) only to Jupiter’s Ganymede. It is half again as big as our own Moon and 80% more massive. It’s even bigger than the planet Mercury, but only 40% as massive, mainly because Mercury is made of rock while Titan may have a rocky core but is mostly composed of layers of different forms of water-ice combined with ammonia, and a possible sub-surface ocean,

Titan also has a thick, nitrogen-rich atmosphere, the only other atmosphere in the solar system besides Earth’s to have so much nitrogen in it. In case you’re wondering, Earth’s atmosphere is almost 80% nitrogen — OMG, you’re breathing it right now! But this also makes the aliens’ Achilles heel in the movie Mars Attacks! kind of ridiculous, since the whole deal was that they could only survive in a nitrogen atmosphere. We have that, Mars doesn’t. Mars is mostly carbon dioxide, but not even much of that. But don’t get me started.

Despite all that, it’s still a fun film.

And Titan, next to Jupiter’s moon Europa, is one of the more likely places we might find life in our solar system.

One final bit of March 25th news in space for this day: In 1979, OV-102, aka Space Shuttle Columbia, was delivered to NASA. It was the first shuttle completed, and its delivery date, after a flight that had begun on March 24th, came four years to the day after fabrication of the fuselage began. Sadly, it was also the last shuttle to not survive its mission, so there was a strange sort of symmetry in that.

While I warned you about the Ides of March, the 25th should be full of nothing but anticipation, even in a plague year. It’s a date for exploration and discovery, whether out into the cosmos, or within the confines of whatever space you’re in right now. Make good with what you have, create all you can, and take advantage of our wonderful technology to share and connect.

After all, that’s what worked for Clavius and Huygens. They worked with the tech they had, then networked once they had an idea, and look how well that worked out.

Hint: It worked out very well, for them and for us.

Image Source: Titan, by NASA.