Friday free-for-all #89: More This or Thats

The usual Friday questions, this time based on the “This or that?” premise.

Here’s the next in an ongoing series in which I answer random questions generated by a website. Feel free to give your own answers or ask your own questions in the comments. This edition brought to you by some “This or that?” questions.

When sleeping: Fan or no fan?

I am definitely a fan person, but not necessarily pointing at me — it depends on the weather and temperature in the room. I may have a ceiling fan going on its own, or a table fan in addition to or instead of. But, for me, it’s more about the white noise plus, when it heats up, about airflow.

In cold weather, the ceiling fan is off and the table fan is pointed away from me, and I’ll be under several duvets and blankets on top of the sheets, wrapped up like a human burrito. I may even fire up a space heater — on a time, of course, for safety.

Besides the fan, though, I also have a white noise machine. Well, not strictly white noise, but about a dozen different looped digital sound effects, from which I always choose “Rain.” Its major drawback is that it will play one hour, at most, and if I don’t fall asleep within that hour (which I rarely do) then I’m just suddenly confronted by silence, plus I now know that it’s one hour since I tried to go to sleep.

I did finally hit on the idea of using my Bluetooth headphones and firing up a ten-hour rain/storm video on YouTube, adjusting the time so it plays for the number of hours I want to sleep, the only problem being that wearing the headphones in bed is awkward, since they’re over-ear and not earbuds.

I might invest in a Bluetooth speaker before long.

Movie at home or movie at the theater?

The answer for this one always used to be “Movie theater for latest release that I really want to see and/or date night activity that came between dinner and sex.” Everything else was fine to watch at home, especially when Blockbuster was around (and around the corner) so it was easy to rent something recent, although more fun to shop from their discount table.

Nowadays, and since long before COVID actually, the answer became mostly at home, unless it was something I really, really wanted to see, but even then I’d skip the opening weekend crowds and wait until the hoopla had died down. This was I came to loathe the typical multiplex audience, who seemed to have no concept that they were in a theater and not at home.

I saw one film in a theater, finally, right before the lockdown, and it was the latest Star Wars film, which I caught very late in the run on a weekday afternoon with three other people in the theater. After that, I didn’t see anything again until the summer of 2021, this time taking advantage of reserved seating to catch a film on opening day with six other people in the place.

I saw two more films in theaters in 2021, The Green Knight and Dune, and that was it. As much as I wanted to catch In the Heights and West Side Story on the big screen, it had just become too risky again.

Mac or PC?

Absolutely, hands down, PC forever. Macs are overpriced pieces of shit designed for people who have no idea how computers actually work, couldn’t swap out a hard drive if their life depended on it, and would be clueless on file management if Macs didn’t take over for them.

What I love about PCs is that you can get under the hood, as it were. Over the years, I’ve upgraded PC memory, hard drives, CPUs, internal drives like CD-ROMS and DVDs, replaced power supplies, and so on and so on, none of which would have been possible as a consumer with a Mac.

Whenever any of my computers had a problem, I’d head down to the late, great Fry’s to get the parts I needed and have them installed and running by that night. When the Mac stans have a problem, they have to haul it into to the Apple Store, leave it for who knows how long, and hope that most of it is at least covered under some sort of warranty.

Not to mention that whenever Mac updates its OS, updating for everyone is mandatory no matter how old their machine is and, if their machine is too old, they’re SOL. Windows doesn’t force updates, although they will eventually stop supporting older versions of Windows, at which point it’s up to the user whether they want to take the risk of using a vulnerable machine on the internet.

Finally, for all the Mac-heads who think having their phone and their computer totally integrated is the greatest thing ever, it’s not. I’d rather have the control of allowing what I want synced between all my devices manually instead of having it happen by default — which is how Mac does everything, because their designers just assume that their users are too stupid to figure it out themselves.

Of course, that does seem to cover about 90% of Mac users, which is why I prefer PC.

Working alone or working in a team?

Unless it’s doing improv or putting on a play, I’m much more of a working alone sort, with brief and intermittent meetings to brainstorm content and the like. But I’ve sat in on “collaborative” meetings to try to create a document or plan or outline together, and it is excruciatingly non-productive.

Tell me what you need written and set me loose, and I’ll have it to you by the deadline, and I’m totally fine with working that way.

Things that drive me nuts, though, in no particular order.

1. Meeting by Power Point. PP is perhaps one of the worst inventions ever. It’s basically one of those elementary school film strips or an overhead projector show — I may have been among the last class who even experienced those, so ask your parents. But the idea is that whoever is running it shows you one picture at a time and, since they generally tend to have words on them, will read you every last damn one of them.

Power Point presentations are no different. They’re just fancier and shown using computers. But they’re basically a crutch for someone who cannot function without a script, which means they really have nothing to say. Better to just send out the deck to everyone, let them read or absorb it in their own way, and then give feedback.

2. The “show and tell” meeting. Sometimes these can be useful if it involves introducing a new product that everyone must see or getting feedback on finalists for new branding/logos and the like. But if it involves going around the room with each person giving a “This is what I did last week” speech, then can it; it’s not necessary. Instead of wasting time on a meeting, have each person send their report to a central email, like the assistant to the boss, who will summarize and compile them, then send them out to everyone. Simple and done.

3. Any meeting where anyone from the C Suite “helps,” especially if it involves brainstorming anything creative. Sorry, but no one up there is actually creative, they only think they are. Or, rather, what they’re creative at is getting people to dump money into the company on the 1% level or get people to buy the company’s shit on the 98% level.

Now, they can deal with the 1% — that’s their milieu, after all. But when it comes to the 98%, here’s how it should work. “Okay, gang. We’re rolling out this product line targeted at this demographic. We still need to come up with colors and product names, as well as a marketing campaign. All the info is in the file I just sent.

Now I’m off to golf with the president of Really Fucking Big Company, so knock yourselves out.

This is how any meeting with the C Suite Elite should be. They give the pitch and piss off, and then everyone else does the real work. (Your mileage may vary if you have a CEO or others who started at the bottom and worked their way up, but if their money came from their family, then your mileage will match the prediction.)

Friday Free-for-All #70: Impact, size, inanimate, this or that

Here’s the next in an ongoing series in which I answer random questions generated by a website. Here are this week’s questions. Feel free to give your own answers or ask your own questions in the comments.

What single event has had the biggest impact on who you are?

One morning, an architect, Bob, who worked on Wilshire Boulevard, decided to grab breakfast across the street at the Van de Kamp’s coffee shop. He kept going to that coffee shop for breakfast every day after that and this is where he met a waitress, Gloria, who had originally relocated from Pennsylvania with her first husband and his family, but who had that marriage annulled after his abuse of her led to a miscarriage and loss of her daughter in the eighth month of pregnancy.

He’d thrown Gloria down the stairs. This is quaintly known as a “Catholic abortion.”

No. There’s nothing funny about it. That was gallows humor, because there’s more than a bit of hypocrisy involved here — not between Bob and Gloria, but with Gloria’s mother.

At the time that they met, Bob and his first wife, who had three kids, were separated and in the process of getting divorced. He was some kind of generic Protestant — his real church was the golf course — and while it was all fine and dandy that Gloria had her marriage annulled because, well, fetus died, it was wrong for Bob to get divorced because “wife drinks a lot.”

Two different sides of the same abuse coin, really.

He was a veteran of war and she was a veteran of domestic violence. He was a lot older than her, but that didn’t matter to either of them, and so the architect kept having breakfast at Van de Kamp’s, and eventually started dating Gloria, and once Bob’s divorce was finalized, they got married in Vegas with Bob’s oldest daughter (who was legally old enough to do so) as one of the witnesses.

The sole offspring from that marriage? Me. So I would not even exist without this event: A man crosses the street to have breakfast. I would literally be nothing without that moment.

Okay, sure — there are billions of just as improbable moments before that which were also necessary for me to exist, but this was the beginning of my beginning.

And, hey, come on. It’s a lot nicer and more romantic than just saying, “So this divorced dude fucked my mom…” Not untrue, but it was a lot more loving than that sentence makes it sound.

Hey, Tristam Shandy’s father forgot to wind the clock, and look what that led to.

Are bigger or small schools better?

I’ve been to both, and there are advantages and disadvantages to each. My high school was enormous. Meanwhile, my university was relatively small. I think that my high school graduating class was actually bigger than the entire student body at my university.

Big school advantage, at least on the public K-12 level: Size gets you money. Well, the school, at least. A bigger student body implies a much larger property tax base at the least, so more cash going into that particular district and, since it tends to be allocated per capita, more of it goes to that school.

So we had arts and music education, fully stocked labs, well-equipped athletic teams that were consistently competitive, drivers education and drivers training, extensive AP and language programs, and on and on and on.

Yes, it was absolutely a privilege incubator, but don’t blame me for where I was born. And don’t forget that I managed to piss away a lot of that privilege by choosing to become an artist instead of an oppressor, so there’s that.

Other than the money thing, another big advantage of a huge high school is that it really works as a total reset on middle-school life. Everyone kind of vanishes and kind of doesn’t, although I was still in classes with mostly the same people I’d been in classes with since forever — at least if they continued on to the same high school.

I didn’t even figure this one out until years later, but in retrospect it was obvious. When we were all about seven years old, we went individually to talk to a child psychologist — although we didn’t know that — and he basically administered an IQ test.

I’ve seen that score and let’s just say that comparing it to every single numbered intelligence scale version through history, I wind up either off the top of the chart or in the top category. There is actually only one test in that list where I am not in the top group.

Likewise with the people I would wind up always having as classmates until we turned 18 and graduated. Basically, it was nothing more than a sorting hat which assigned us to our proper houses — genius, above average, kind of smart, average, below average, needs extra help, kind of dumb, bucket of sand, and Trump voter.

Did I mention that IQ tests are absolute bullshit and another part of white culture’s systematic racism? Because they are. Why? Because they presume a white, male, Eurocentric worldview in order to get the answers right. They assume a nuclear, two-parent family in a middle-class home. They assume a lot of things. They were designed to make people of color and people for whom English was not their first language score much, much lower.

Because how the hell else are we going to make sure they don’t get into the elite schools and get the good jobs?

But I do digress. The point is that I wound up in this fantastic nerd bubble from first grade on, and this core group of us went all the way through together, at least in our core classes, although we all also wound up in PE together — and, obviously, with the one PE teacher who was okay with going easy on our nerdy asses.

But the effect of jumping into this giant ocean after the small puddle of middle school was that our bullies, who were a few IQ grades below us, basically vanished in the maelstrom, never to taunt us again, and that was nice.

As for college, like I said, I went to a small university, and that was awesome, too. For one thing, we hadn’t been sorted in by standardized tests. Rather, we kind of self-selected by major, and then wound up meeting our first new college bestie, The Freshman Roommate, entirely based on how we answered certain questions on the application.

I actually kind of lucked out on that one, and we only had 90 men on three floors in our entire dorm. As for campus life in general, again, it was such a small student body that it felt like most of us wound up knowing each other during orientation week.

Classes were equally small, so that the students quickly formed friendships and our professors knew us each by face and name. Plus we partied. Oh, did we party hard. What? It was a Jesuit University. That was practically a rule!

The priest who was the house Father assigned to the on-campus apartment building I lived in my last three years was famous for sitting in his room on the first floor by the entrance with the door open at any time after four p.m. with a handle of scotch on the table. He’d be in full vestments, Roman collar and all, and would give anybody coming in a hearty greeting of, “Hello! Come have a shot!”

During my second semester at my university, one of my co-nerds from the super-smart nerd herd in K-12 invited me to visit him on campus at UCLA. Since they did a quarterly system instead of semesters, I was on break while they were in session, so I came on over.

I started by visiting him in his dorm, which was in a building ten stories tall and designed to house 800 students. He particularly wanted me to see his psychology professor in action, so we headed to class.

And we walked miles. Okay, maybe not miles, but if I had walked this distance on my college campus, I could have crossed it from front gate to far side and back at least five times.

We finally came to a classroom in a huge building and approached the door. I noted that we were at least thirty minutes late, and anxiously said, “Hey — isn’t it going to be a problem if we walk in right now?”

He just shrugged no and opened the door and my jaw dropped as we walked into an auditorium that was easily the size of the lower orchestra section of the Ahmanson Theatre in Downtown L.A. The professor was a tiny figure on a stage far below, and yes, he was using audio amplification in order to give his lecture.

My mind was blown. My entire graduating class would have fit in this room. My friend Dave’s college graduation had to happen at the Rose Bowl, because even a world class football school like UCLA did not have a stadium big enough.

I’ve often wondered how different my life would be if I had gone to UCLA or any of the other UC schools, or even gone the CS route, like going to CSUN, which was within miles of the house I grew up in. LMU only happened because they had a film school, it was easier to get into their film program as a freshman than at either UCLA or Cal State Long Beach (CSULB), and it did have that much smaller student body.

But, verdict: Both sizes have their advantages and disadvantages. It really depends on your own wants and needs.

What inanimate object would be the most annoying if it played loud upbeat music while being used?

This one is mostly for shits and giggles, and my first impulse is to just say “All of them.” Think about it. Sit on the toilet. Turn on the garbage disposal or shower. Open your mailbox. Clip your nails. Start your car (although a lot of cars do this already). Fire up the oven or microwave. Start your crockpot or multi-cooker.

Bang. It’s a classic driving song for you!

But, again, a question: Would everyone know which inanimate object — and which one alone — plays music when used? If that’s the case, then it’s simple. The answer is either dildo, vibrator, butt-plug, or any kind of sex toy.

Eye of the Tiger starts blasting form upstairs? Yeah. Everyone in the house now knows what you’re doing. Enjoy!

Lightning round: This or that?

High-tech or Low-tech?

High-tech all the way. What century are we in? How to tell me that you’re a Boomer without telling me you’re a Boomer: Can you print that email out for me? LOL. No.

New Clothes or New Phone?

New clothes. Duh. I will use a phone until it dies or the provider or manufacturer decides to kill it. New clothes, however, really do make a new person. There is nothing more refreshing and inspiring than finding, buying, and wearing a new outfit. Plus an entirely new wardrobe is a lot cheaper than a new phone if you know how to shop.

Rich Friend or Loyal Friend?

Loyal, hands down. I’ve had rich friends. I’ve got loyal friends. Notice the verb tenses. Rich friends generally turn out to be fickle assholes because they expect you to be their friends because they’ve thrown money at you. Never mind how they actually treat you. Meanwhile, loyal friends are always there, and I don’t give a damn how much money those friends have.

Big Party or Small Gathering?

Generally, small gathering, and especially of people I know personally with a couple of strangers mixed in. Exceptions: Big Parties for special events, like weddings, funerals (although is “party” the word?), film or TV wraps, and so on, although not until we all get our shit together, get vaccinated, and destroy this delta variant crap.

What’s worse: Laundry or Dishes?

While clothes are great, laundry sucks ass if you don’t have your own washer-dryer. Even if you do, it still sucks ass. If you have a machine for dishes, stuff ‘em in, add the soap, set the cycle, boom, done. If you don’t, fill the sink, add the soap, and enjoy the Zen of washing, drying, and sticking in the rack.

Laundry? Nah. If you want to do it right, you need to separate things. Okay — you need to separate dishes, cutlery, glasses, and pots and pans as well, but those all go into well-defined slots. Laundry? Whites, colors, delicates — which have to be treated as different piles and go into different loads.

They also require different amounts of detergents, bleaching agents (as in yes/no), and temperature, cycle speeds, and so on.

Now, when you’re done with your dishes, you pretty much have them arranged in stacks that make them easy to put away, because all of your plates are here, your glassware is there, your cutlery is next to that, and your pots and pans are, well, where they should be.

Laundry? Nah. You wind up with a pile at a time because it all takes so damn long to dry, but you can’t just throw it in the drawer or hang it in the closet because now you have to fold that shit. Or pair those socks. And this part takes hours!

Pro-tip: This is why children were invented. Teach them the concept of allowance, then pay them to do your laundry, and give a bonus and raise to the one of them who does it best.

Did I mention that doing laundry is infinitely worse if you have to take it to a common laundry room where you live or, dog forbid, to a common coin-op laundromat? Because you’ll wind up with all of those separates ultimately dumped back into the same basket unfolded and unsorted because all you want to do is get out of this place which is obviously full of paid housecleaners dealing with multiple households so using an entire row of machines, recently divorced men who have no idea what they’re doing, and the screaming kids dragged along by the single moms.

Plus which: Pandemic.

%d bloggers like this: